2013-03-29: 7- Consolidation Chemotherapy

我与癌（7-巩固化疗） E医生分析我的病情和体质，认为我应该再接再厉继续做12个疗程小计量Paclitaxel的巩固化疗，只有IV，每月一次，需一年，尽可能消灭癌细胞，降低Ca125。那时我心里特矛盾，因我身体上绝大部分病痛都始于手术后和化疗后，我是多么希望做完6个疗程后，自己的身体能尽快恢复到以往的状态。但因我是3C，属中晚期，故复发的几率较高。不愿一旦复发，有一丝后悔是因我没尽职尽责治疗。另一方面动力是来自我家人，我是绝不能让他们失望的。最终我和E医生达成共识，如我愿意，我可任何时候中断治疗。 2007年5月，休息2个月后，茸茸一片短发刚冒头顶，就被接着的化疗断送了大约60%到70%，今日仍如此。可贺的是，我继承了爸爸的乐观性格 ，加上爸爸妈妈给了个我自认为就是光头也对得起观众的容貌。女人光头有优势如下，洗浴省水，省时；发型说变就变；购买帽子无需任何理由。其实我心底明白，哪位姑娘不喜欢有一头秀发，包括本人在内。至今没有发现有任何假发戴我头上能感觉良好的。我的方法是用各色丝巾把光头围住，结打在背后，留出随风飘逸的尾端。在洛杉矶被认为是特意打扮，在中国被认为是少数民族装饰。 这一年巩固化疗期间，好多次为放不放弃而纠结。没少打扰我美国东西两岸和国内的朋友，我随时总能找到让我发泄的听众，也不管别人愿不愿意，我煲完电话，心情自然好转许多，迷茫的思绪也渐变清晰。特别感谢我大学同学DH，感谢你不仅每次不厌其烦听完我的唠叨，还多次和风细雨地劝说我坚持治疗，迄今仍然如此。感谢你是我在大学的第一天第一位认识的同学，上下铺数年交情；感谢你陪伴我这一路走来，有求必应，重不厌倦。 虽然化疗仍继续，我整体情况开始走上坡路。妈妈认为该是加强锻炼的好时机。她向我展示了一套太极拳和一套练功十八法，我当时觉着她太极拳的水平做我的启蒙老师还是绰绰有余的，便开始走上学习太极拳和练功的路。没料到，这竟然是我的另一特长，也成为我现今必须认真对待的日常工作。往大里说是弘扬中华文化，小里就是自我康复健身法，但确确实实是因为患癌我才会有兴趣钻研，有时间实践。 找病友，找组织的念头从心里萌芽到付之于行动，大约有半年之久。因我害怕病友消极的态度影响自己的情绪，顾虑所化的时间是否有所收获。2007年底，抱着怀疑，好奇和试探的心态，走出了第一步，迈进了UCLA 为癌症患者开办的气功训练班。完全没有意识到这竟然是上帝在关了一扇门之后，给我开的一扇窗。从此以后，我有了组织，那生活就蒸蒸日上，如芝麻开花节节高，你们懂的！

Cancer and Me (7 - Consolidation Chemotherapy) After an analysis of my condition and my physique, Doctor E decided it would be best if we redoubled our efforts and continued with 12 low-dose treatments of Paclitaxel, an IV-only treatment once a month for a year, in order to further decrease my CA125 levels. At the time I felt especially ambivalent, because after experiencing the pain and devastation inflicted on most of my body from surgery and chemo, I was hoping more than anything that after the six cycles of chemo I would be allowed to quickly regain my previous health. But because I had stage 3C cancer, considered middle-late stage, the chance of relapse was relatively high. I didn’t want to have any hints of regret at not dutifully completing a full treatment regimen in case I relapsed. My other motivation was from my family: I absolutely could not let them down. I finally reached a consensus with Doctor E that I could interrupt treatment at any time I wished. In May 2007, two months into my reprieve, just when short downy hair started to grow atop my head again, the chemo ruined about 60 to 70% of it, and it remained so until this day. On the bright side, I inherited my father's optimistic personality, in addition to the view from my parents that even a bald head was an appearance that could be acceptable to show to the public. To be a bald woman actually has many advantages: saving water and time in the shower, easy modification of hairstyles, and needing no reason to buy new hats. In reality, I knew in the bottom of my heart: what woman, including myself, wouldn’t like having a beautiful head of hair? I’ve never found a wig that felt comfortable on my head. My method was to wrap my head in colorful scarves tied in back, leaving the tails to flow in the wind. In Los Angeles, people would consider it to be a deliberate fashion statement, and in China, people would view it as the traditional dress of a Chinese ethnic minority. There were many times during the year of consolidation chemotherapy where my mind was in a tangle over whether or not to give up. I often bothered my friends all over the U.S. and in China, and I was always able to find someone to vent to. Regardless of whether they were willing to listen, after the phone finished taking my heat, my mood always naturally improved, and my confused thoughts gradually cleared up. Special thanks to my college classmate DH: thank you for always patiently listen to me nag, always pleasantly encouraging me to continue my treatment, even to this day. I’m thankful that you were the first classmate I met on the first day of college, that we bonded through all the years sharing a bunk. Thank you for accompanying me through everything, never tiring, always willing to help with anything. Though the chemo continued, my condition started to improve. Mom thought this was a good opportunity to exercise more. She showed me a tai chi routine and a set of exercises known as the Eighteen Methods, and as I thought she was more than good enough to be my teacher, I embarked on the study and practice of tai chi. I did not realize that this would turn out to be another one of my special talents, and it became a daily routine that I now take very seriously. It was both a method of promoting Chinese culture and self-rehabilitation, but indeed it was only because of the cancer that I would have the interest or time to study it. I wanted to find other patients and join a related organization, but it took about six months from when the idea sprouted in my mind until I actually took action. Initially, I doubted whether it would be worth my time, fearing that the negative attitudes of other cancer patients would affect my own outlook. At the end of 2007, I brought my skepticism and curiosity with an adventurous attitude to the UCLA-run Qigong course for cancer patients. I was completely unaware that after closing one door, this was the window that God had opened for me. From that point on, with the organization,  my life flourished more every day, like the proverbial sesame flower shooting upwards, as you surely know!