2013.04.21: 10- Relapse and Chemotherapy

我与癌 (10-复发化疗) 09年深秋，癌第一次复发手术后，医生E给我上的化疗药是Carboplatin+Gemcitabine。做了5个疗程，加上3个程疗的 Doxil+Avastin，Ca125降至16。这次化疗期间，就我而言，虽然每次还需在恶心与便秘之前摸索平衡点，但心情的好与坏却能自然流露于练功的空闲，和病友们分享我的好消息也分淡我的心酸泪水。尤其可以毫无顾忌畅谈那些无法在家人面前轻易触及的敏感话题。 感谢这些年由病友成朋友的A大姐。记得那时候，当我因力不从心为做饭吃饭纠结中，您总能及时雪中送炭，送吃，送喝，让我倍感温暖，真是远亲不如近邻。不仅如此，时至今日，我家的聚会，还频频给您添麻烦。在此，请收下小妹由衷的谢意。来日方长，但愿我有回馈之日。 有位曾经的同事，后来的病友，名J。我06年首次在Ucla见肿瘤科医生G(Hematology/Oncologist) 时，他对我说，今天，我要看俩位来自你公司的病人，你是第一位。当时医生G认为我看医生E（Gyn/Oncologist)更合适，然后就有了和医生E的故事。我竟然在看完医生G后，于 电梯门外巧遇我的同事J。我给了她一个深深的拥抱，耳语道，Both of us  are going to be fine. 我和J在不同的部门工作，但都是Gym的Kicking and boxing班上的忠实参与者, 和J只是认识，谈不上熟悉，不便细问。 紧接着是我的手术，化疗已耗尽我的精力。07年初，朋友告知同事J患的是乳腺癌，现已重返Gym，我替她欣慰。因为都在Ucla就医，又都患妇科癌，我们还是联络上，仅限于稀稀落落的电邮而已。 那段非常时期，我会在每次电话对话结束前，开始我的OVCA 症状医普谈, 一天一人是我的要求，且自我陶醉在80%到90%的听众都特别感激之中。记得有位被我医普过的Social security office 工作的女士，竟再次来电话询问有关问题。有许多次想给J 医普，但因为怕她多虑，怕我多事而放弃。 大约07年秋季，收到同事J电邮。提及她有腹胀，易饱，尿频等症状，问我该做什么检查。之前她做过腹部MRI，但漏做盆腔。日后告知她在治疗原发性乳腺癌阶段又被确诊原发性卵巢癌3C。可想而知，我有多自责，为何先前没有给予J医普！！！08年秋，同事J化疗刚结束，就和她男友（同年底在她治疗中喜结良缘）组织并参加了Kick Cancer Walk。我有幸是其中一位。不幸的是同事J的OVCA又很快复发于脑部，脑部手术后，她眼神中曾经熟悉的光彩消失了，更让我难以置信的是，她的肿瘤对所有的化疗基本不敏感。2011年早春同事J撒手人寰。但她对医生的坚信不移，她对治疗的乐观向上及面临生命尽头的坦然自若，我敬佩，我自愧！ 借此文以纪念在天堂已两年的同事J。在我患病后，对 lost battle with any disease 的理解有所改变，现认为只要在短暂或漫长的医治途中，能充分消化及积极面对正反信息的，都该得到嘉奖，只因战胜了自己。她和因癌或任何疾病导致过早离世的人们一样，在我眼里，是胜者。 我每日都尽心尽力 adding life to  years not years to life. 要生活，不苟活。扯远了。 2010年6月，历时8个月，在家人，朋友的支持与自己的努力下，在和妈妈隔海电话的互相鼓励和开导的进行曲中，结束化疗。In remission again. 哥嫂又飞来同贺！

Me and Cancer (10 - Relapse and Chemotherapy) In the autumn of 2009, after the surgery for my first recurrence, Dr. E put me on a chemotherapy regimen of gemcitabine and carboplatin. After five cycles of this, plus three cycles of Doxil and Avastin, my CA-125 level fell to 16. During this treatment period, though I was again buffeted about between the extremes of nausea and constipation, my happy and sad moods would naturally surface when I wasn’t practicing qigong, and sharing good news with other cancer sufferers helped to dissolve my woes. In particular, I could freely and candidly discuss sensitive topics with them that I could never bring up in front of my family. I really want to thank Ms. A, another patient who became my friend these past few years. I remember when I was caught in the dilemma of being unable to cook and eat meals, you would always come to my rescue, bringing food and drink and keeping me warm company.  As they say, a nearby friend is better than distant family.  In addition, till this day my family gatherings have inconvenienced you time and time again. Please accept my sincerest gratitude from the bottom of my heart. There will surely be time in the future for me to repay you. J was one of my former colleagues, and later a fellow patient. In 2006 when I met with Dr. G (hematology and oncology) at UCLA, he said to me, today I will be meeting with two individuals from your company and you are the first. At the time, Dr. G felt it would be more appropriate for me to see Dr. E (ob/gyn), thus I shared my story with Dr. E. After I finished seeing Dr. G, I coincidentally ran into my colleague J outside the elevator. I gave her a big hug and whispered, “Both of us are going to be fine.” J and I worked in different departments, but both of us were regular attendees of the kickboxing classes at the company  gym.  Being only acquaintances with J, and not knowing each other very well, I did not pry into her situation. Immediately following that was my surgery, after chemotherapy had sapped all of my energy. Early in 07, a friend told me that J was diagnosed with breast cancer, but that she had already returned to the gym. I was very happy for her. Because we were both receiving treatment at UCLA, and had both been diagnosed with cancers affecting women, we still stay in touch, even if it is only infrequently by email. During that special period, I started to spread awareness of ovarian cancer by discussing the symptoms and other details at the end of every phone conversation. I made sure to do this with at least one person every day, and reveled in the fact that 80 to 90% of my listeners were particularly grateful. I remember one lady at the Social Security office, with whom I had one such informational discussion, went so far as to call me again to consult me with more questions. Many times I wanted to talk to J about it, but because I didn’t want to make her worry more or come off as meddlesome, so I never did. Around the autumn of 2007, I received an email from J saying she was experiencing bloating, early satiety, and frequent urination, and asked me what she should get checked out.  Previously she had done an abdominal MRI, but this didn’t include the pelvis.  Later she was informed during treatment of her primary breast cancer that she was also diagnosed with primary ovarian cancer, stage 3C .  You can imagine how much I blamed myself and regretted not having the discussion about ovarian cancer with her! In fall 2008, as soon as J finished her chemotherapy, she and her boyfriend (whom she married at the end of that same year) organized and participated in the Kick Cancer Walk.  I was lucky to be one of the participants.  Unluckily, J’s ovarian cancer quickly relapsed to the brain. After her brain surgery, the previously familiar luster in her eyes vanished.  More to my dismay, her tumors showed very little response to every chemotherapy treatment she tried.  In early 2011, J passed away. The faith she placed in her doctors was unmovable, and the positive attitude she took toward her treatment as well as the calm composure with which she faced the end of her life were truly admirable. I thus want to commemorate J, who has been in heaven for two years now.  After my illness, my understanding of “losing a battle to a disease” changed.  I now believe that as long as over the course of treatment, however long or short it is, as long as one is able to fully stand up to and endure the positive and negative feedback, one deserves commendation for conquering one’s doubts and weaknesses.  She, and any others whose illnesses - cancer or otherwise - caused them to pass away early, are all victors in my eyes. Every day, I strive to add life to years, not years to life. To live, not just to subsist.  But I digress. In June 2010, after 8 months, with the support of my friends and family and with the enlightening encouragement of my mother through her overseas phone calls, I finally finished chemotherapy.  In remission again. My brother and sister-in-law flew in to celebrate with me!