2013.09.15: 20 - Birthday Presents

我与癌 (20-生日礼物) 2013年7月是我人生半世纪的生日。说不上该怎么度过，随大闺女和LG任意摆布，还是很幸福的一件事。最重要的是我不操心，不担心，只留住开心。 虽然 Ca125 的走向不理想，5月15日是91；5月30日是181；7月3日是196；7月17日是219。Avastin+Abraxane 似乎也开始渐渐失效。我对数字已漠然，已渐渐学会冷眼旁观，宠辱不惊。 生日晚餐由大闺女按排，LG出大银，（大闺女特别体恤LG，主动提出她一周后生日的聚餐就免了）让全家享受了一回极精致的美食和超五星级的服务。我心里还是有些嘀咕，联想到了生活在饥寒交迫，水深火热中的非洲儿童。（别笑我哈）但50年我仅仅一次，且我是劫后余生，我也不容易呀。就又很坦然自若, 尽善尽美地享用起来。 烦蛋糕，嚎巧克力。 家人又问我想要什么礼物，我说想跳伞（Sky Diving）。不抱希望家人会有任何举动。小解放军从小就特别崇拜解放军。是操场上看地道战，地雷战时会激动，害怕得在小板凳上坐立不安的幼女；是入学后在学习雷锋好榜样的歌声中茁壮成长的儿童；是给自卫反击战战士写过感谢信的中学生之一。仅一步之差我也许就是其中一员，爸妈劝阻说，部队里找男朋友都是要服从命令听指挥的，我立马傻眼。小解放军军训时给的5发中48环。真正给我勇气的是前总统老Bush 85岁（2009年）的生日礼物就是跳伞。 大闺女几天后郑重其事通知我一切都已搞定。因为我还在治疗期间，需要医生的许可证。医生K的答复是 Enjoy。这些年和这里医生打交道的经验所得是：病人是任何治疗方法的最终决定者，病人是自身承受力的开拓者，最终也应该是还有多久日子的真正知情者（也许只适用我）。 我从13000英尺跳了（其实就把自己当小袋鼠），我在云朵上飞翔，我查看了虚无飘渺的天堂，鸟瞰了美景如画的人间，竟没有一丝害怕。录像里我开口的第一句话竟是 I want to do it again. 我二吧？ 其实在签约之时，我心里七上八下，很想问问公司是否出过差错。我本人肯定会坚持，只是带上LG和大闺女很不妥，这万一，，，，，但我没有问，觉得无论结果如何，不会影响我的决定。LG和闺女已是成人，他们完全可以做适合自己的选择。结果我们三位成功脚着地。 过后，我问二位签约时想啥。同时答到，万一降落伞失效，是该脚，还是臀部先触地。有其夫，必有其女哈，哈，哈。 我们这一跳，闺女在脸书上也算是火了一小把。

Me and Cancer (20 - Birthday Presents) My 50th birthday was in July 2013. I cannot say how I should spend the day, but spending time with my daughters and LG is a very joyous thing. The most important thing is that I do not worry, just do not worry, and remain happy. The trend in my CA-125 levels is not ideal: 5/15 it was 91, 5/30 it was 181 7/3 it was 196, and 7/17 it was 219. Avastin and Abraxane seem to be losing effectiveness. I have already stopped caring about numbers, and have learned to sit on the sidelines, whether I get good or bad news. My older daughter organized my birthday dinner, and our family enjoyed a very nice dinner with five-star service. My heart still felt a little uncomfortable, thinking of those who were less fortunate than us, like cold and hungry children in Africa. (Don't laugh when I say that!) But I was completely at ease and was able to enjoy the evening. I am tired of cake and chocolate. My family asked me what present I wanted, and I said to go sky diving. I did not think they would actually take me. I have really wanted to do this since I was a child. Seeing warfare on the ground, and earthquakes that moved the earth, as a young girl I was afraid that even sitting down I was not safe. After entering school, I learned the songs about Lei Feng; I learned how to fight back and be strong. What also gave me courage to do this was that for his 85th birthday (in 2009), President Bush went skydiving! My older daughter told me a few days later that everything was set. Because I was still in the middle of treatment, I needed a note from a doctor. I asked Dr. K, and all he said was 'Enjoy!' My experience dealing with doctors over the last few years has been the following: patients are the ultimate decision makers in treatment, the patient knows best what she can handle, and finally to know how long she can take a certain treatment (maybe this one is only me). I jumped from 13,000 ft (I felt packed up like a small kangaroo before the jump); I flew in the clouds; I saw a paradise in the skies, and got a bird's eye view of the picturesque scene, and did not feel an ounce of fear. The first thing I said when I landed was, "I want to do it again." Round two? In fact when I signed the contract, I was very worried, and I wanted to ask them if they ever make mistakes. I was definitely going to continue, I was just not sure if I was going to bring LG and my daughter...but I did not ask because I knew whatever they said it would not influence my decision. LG and my daughter are adults, and can make their own decisions. Thus the three of us successfully landed on the ground together. Later, I asked LG and my daughter what they were thinking when they signed the contracts. They responded at the same time, “If the parachute fails, should we land on our feet or our butts?” Like father, like daughter. When we jumped together, it was like a small fire was lit on my daughter’s face.